Revision of No Future Love For Frank
by Hitrat
Summary: In this spoof/parody of "Back to the Future"-minus the time travel, Science; Frank Wilson is headed to Acme Acres on a idea to get Hamton and Fifi back together again.


Frank , a teenage tall slender mouse, short brown hair, wearing a #14 Buffalo Bills jersey, jean shorts, ankle hi socks, and low top sneakers, enters Larry's Cafe. In the cafe are Larry Brown, the owner, 14 year old Hamtom Pig doing homework (although Frank doesn't yet know it's Hamton) and a Silver Dixons cleaning up. Larry turns to Frank and comments on his jersey. In the background, a juxebox can be heard playing MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This"

Larry: Hey kid your team need something?

Frank: What?

Larry: What's with the jersey?

Frank: I just wanna use the phone.

Larry: Yeah, it's in the back.

(Frank heads to the back of the cafe looking in the phone book, he searches for apartment guide, he calls the services up, and the services tell him what address to go.)

Frank: Do you know where 1640 Riverside-

Larry: Are you gonna order something kid?

Frank: Yeah, gimme a Tab.

Larry: Tab? Sorry, kid. We don't serve those no more.

Frank: Well then a Pepsi free.

Larry: Pepsis aren't free, sonny, you are gonna have to pay for it.

Frank: Well just gimme something without any sugar in it, okay?

Larry: Something without sugar...*nods*

(Larry gives him a Sprite Zero. Montana Max, 14, and his gang, Calamity, Arnold and Dizzy, enter the Cafe.)

Montana: Hey Pig! What do you think you are doing? Hey I'm talking to you Hamton you little hog!

(The bullies approach Hamton & a bewildered Frank)

Hamton: Oh hey, Montana, hey, guys, how are you doing?

Montana: You got my homework finished Pig?

Hamton: Uh well Monty, I figured since it was due Monday-

(Montana laughs & grabs Hamton in a headlock)

Montana: Hello, hello, anybody home? Think, Pig, think. I gotta have time to recopy it. Do you realize what would happen if I hand in my homework in your handwriting? I'd get kicked out of school. You wouldn't want that to happen would you, would you?

Hamton: Oh of course not Monty. I wouldn't want that to happen.

Montana: Uh, no, no, no, no. *notices Frank looking at them* *to Frank* What are you looking at butt-head?

Arnold: Hey Monty, get aload of this guy's jersey. Dork thinks he is gonna join the team!

Montana: Yeah, well, how about that homework, Pig?

Hamton: Uh, well, okay Monty, uh, I'll finish that on up tonight and I'll bring it over first thing tomorrow morning.

Monty: Hey not too early I sleep in Sundays, hey Pig, you're shoe's untied,*throws his finger up Hamton's face* don't be so gullible, Pig.

Hamton: Okay.

Montana: I don't want to see you in here again.

Hamton: Yeah, All right, bye-bye.

(The bullies leave laughing their heads off)

(They get in Montana's car and Arnold drives them away)

(Back in the cafe Frank gives Hamton just about the weirdest look)

Hamton: *frustrated* *looks at Frank* What!

Frank: You are Hamton J. Pig?

Hamton: Yeah, who are you?

(Before Frank can answer, Silver Dixons comes over with his mop.)

Silver: Say, Hamton, why do you let those boys push you around like that?

Hamton: Cause they are bigger then me, Silver.

Silver: Stand tall, Hamton, have some respect for yourself. Don't you know that if you let people walk all over you know, they'll be walking all over you for the rest of your life! Listen to me, do you think I'm gonna spend the rest of my life in this slop house?

Larry: Watch it, Silver.

Silver:No sir, I'm gonna make something out of myself, I'm going to night school and one day I'm gonna be somebody.

Frank: You could be mayor.

Silver: Yeah, I'm-

(Silver realises what Frank just said.)

Silver: Mayor. Now that's a good idea. I could run for mayor.

Larry: A feline mayor that'll be the day.

Silver You wait and see, Mr. Brown, I will be mayor and I'll be the most powerful mayor in the history of Acme Acres, and I'm gonna clean up this town.

Larry: Good, you could start by sweeping the floor.

Silver:Mayor Silver Dixons, I like the sound of that.

(Frank turns to Hamton, but he's gone. He sees Hamton leaving the Cafe on his bike. Frank runs after him.)

Frank: Hey Pig, Hamton, hey, you with the bike!

(Frank follows Hamton to a housing estate. He sees Hamton's bike by a tree, and looks up the tree. Hamton is up there, looking into a house with binoculars. He's watching a girl get changed.)

Frank: He is a peeping tom?

(Hamton falls out of the tree and into the road, just as a car approaches.)

Frank: Hamton!

(Frank pushes Hamton out of the way, but gets hit himself. He lies unconscious on the road. The car driver, Roger Foxx, a 30-ish british fox, wearing a rolled up white dress shirt, black slacks, belt, black socks and loafers, gets out of the car to see who he hit. He notices Hamton by the side of the road.)

Roger: Hey, wait a minute, who are you?

Hamton runs off. Roger turns his attention to Frank.

Roger:Roger: Oh no...CAPRICA! Another one of these kids jumped in front of my car. Come on out here and help me take him in this house!

(Cut to Frank. He's lying in a bed. Slowly he wakes up and sees a girl sitting next to him.  
Unknown to Frank, it's Fifi LaFume Foxx, aged 14)

Frank: Uhhhh, where am I?

Fifi: There there Monsieur, just relax. You have been asleep for almost Neuf hours now.

Frank: Am I in my new apartment?

(Fifi turns on the light, Fifi an adorable cute young teen female purple skunk stands there eyeing Frank in love with him)

Fifi: No no cutey, vu are in my house. *giggles*

Frank: Who are you?

Fifi: Moi is Fifi La Fume. Who might you be you hunky gorgeous mouse?

(Frank slowly gets up)

Frank: I'm Frank Wilson.

Fifi: Frank...what a dreamy name.

Frank: Yours is very nice too if I do say so myself.

(Fifi's mother-Caprica Foxx, a very attractive Kangaroo wearing a yellow long dress, knocks on the door)

Kip: Fifi, are you in there?

Fifi: Sacre blu, it's my Mother. Act natural.

(Frank nods, they both exit Fifi's room. Next scene-Fifi,Frank and Kip are walking downstairs)

Kip: So tell me, Frank, what position do you play for your team?

Frank: Excuse me?

Kip: You must be a school football quarterback, aren't you, that's why you wear that bright nice blue jersey.

Frank: Uh, second string.

(Roger enters.)

Kip: Roger, here's the young man you hit with your car out there. He's all right,  
thank heavens.

Roger: What were you doing in the middle of the street, a kid your age?

Kip: (To Frank) Don't pay any attention to him, he's in one of his moods. (To Roger) Roger, quit fiddling with those things, come in here to dinner.

(Everyone is at the table.)

Kip: (To Frank) Now let's see, Now let's see, you already know Fifi, this is Timothy(kit),  
this is Stephaine(roo), that's Tommy(roo), and over there in the playpen is little baby Miles.

(Frank looks at Miles)

Frank: (Quietly, to Miles) Hey kiddo. You will be out of there soon enough.

Kip: ("babytalk") Yes, Miles is such a happy kit. (normally) He is fussy sometimes but he likes his toys. *in the pen, there are several safe wind up Mechs* Well Frank, I hope you like homemade pizza.

Frank: I suppose I could stay.

(Fifi pulls up a chair next to her place at the table.)

Fifi: Sit here, Frankie.

(Roger is fiddling with a TV set. Caprica calls to him.)

Kip: Roger, quit fiddling with those things and come in here and eat your dinner.

(Roger pulls the 2 TV to the table, where everyone can see it.)

Roger: 'Ey, look at this now we can watch the ball game and Kip.

(Rog looks to her grinning)

Caprica: I know Fifi, Steph and I can see the champion figure skating.

Fifi: Two TVs, how about that Frankie?

Frank: It's very nice.

Timothy: Mom, why is Fifi looking at Frank like that for?

Kip: Well sweetie, Fifi must have a crush on Frank.

(the kids giggles,Frank blushes)

Roger: Well, first time for everything there, eh Frank?

Frank: Yes sir.

Timothy: Are they gong to make out here?

(Steph and Tommy giggle)

Kip: Now Timothy eat your pizza.

Timothy: OK Mom.

Kip: You know Frank you look so familiar to me do I know your parents?

Frank: My mother's name is Jill.

Kip: Oh, then I wanna give her a call, I don't want her to worry about you.

Frank: You can't, uh, that is, uh, nobody's home. Yet.

Kip: Well, where is she, do you have a Father?

Frank: Yeah, his name is Jack, but they went to Kyoto for a vacation and sent me here with a Guardian. She is at the apartment. Uh listen, do you know where Riverside Drive is?

Roger: It's uh, the other end of town, a block past Maple.

Frank: A block passed Maple, that's Depiester Drive.

Roger: Depiester Drive?

Fifi: Mama, with Frank's parents out of town, don't you think he oughta spend the night, after all, Dad almost killed him with the car. We can ask the Guardian.

Kip: That's true, Frank, I think you should spend the night. I think you're our responsibility. What do you think your Guardian would say?

Frank: Well gee, I don't know. Ms. Camden is polite but only wants best for me. She is my Mom's best friend.

Fifi: He could sleep in my room.

Roger: Fifi...

Frank: I gotta go, uh, I gotta go. Thanks very much, it was wonderful, you were all great. See you all later, much later.

Kip: He's a very strange young man.

Roger: He is probably going through some tough times dear, after he is the new kid on the block.

Kip: I hope he will be allright.

Roger: He will be fine dear. I'll pay this Ms. Camden a visit.

(As Frank leaves the house of Fox he settles into his new apartment and gets ready for the upcoming school year. Time passes...)

(Frank walks towards the Acme Looneversity, seeing that it is being cleaned up)

(Frank enters inside to see Buster Bunny and Plucky Duck talking, both then notice Frank)

Buster: So you are the new kid huh?

Frank: That's right.

Plucky: Buster get aload of this guy. He is tall!

Buster: Yeah we could use him from getting beat up.

Frank: Hey you guys need I'm help, I'll be glad to oblige.

Plucky: Cool. My name is Plucky Duck, I loooove money! *winks*

Buster: I'm Buster Bunny!

(Babs Bunny peeks in the new comer)

Babs: And I'm Babs Bunny!

Buster and Babs: No relation!

Frank: Funny.

Babs: Oooo hubba, hubba, you *are* cute. Fifi said her guy is hot..but this guy sizzles.

Frank: Well I'm no showboater.

Babs: Modest too.

(Shirley the Loon interjects)

Shirley: Gah what a dreamboat! Fifi is like so lucky! His aura is so in tone.

Frank: What am I doing right and how am I getting this popularity?

Buster: Face it big guy, you are the newwest,hippest, coolest thing!

(All the nice toons gather around the big mouse wanting to talk to him, except Hamton who is getting kicked around by jerks)

Hamton: OK, OK you guys, oh ha, ha, ha, very funny. Hey, you guys are being real mature. OK, real mature guys. OK, Monty, will you pick up my books?

(He doesn't do so because Vice Principal Yosemite Sam arrives.)

Sam: Hey Pig, what be your problem boy? Shape up. Ya'll are a slacker. Ya'll wanna be a slacker for the rest of ya'll tarhootied life?

Hamton: No.

Frank: Why is Hamton getting kicked around like that?

Buster: Eh, it's happened to him his whole life.

Plucky: Hey Buster, only I get to razz on Hamton.

Babs: Frank, ya see Hamton hardly has any self esteem. He only stood up to bullies once but that was only when Buster and I were hurt.

Shirley: Yeah drag, hey we better go tell Fifi her lover boy mouse is here.

(Babs & Shirley runs off giggling finding Fifi)

Frank: Well I'm gonna help Hamton.

Buster: I sure hope you can...with Fifi and all.

Plucky: Yeah Fifi was looking for a strong guy after Hamton just got to shy too much.

Frank: Maybe I can bring Fifi and Hamton back together again.

Buster: You could...if you wanted to lose Fifi.

Frank: I'll risk it.

(Buster and Plucky walk to class confused)

(Frank walks over to help Hamton. Sam has now gone)

Frank: Hamton, buddy, hey, I've been looking all over for you. You remember me, the guy who saved your life the other day?

Hamton: I think so. You also gave me a weird look in the cafe too.

Frank: Nevermind that, maybe I can make it up to by getting you and Fifi back together again?

Hamton: You would do that for me?

Frank: Well sure why not? Come on.

(Frank spots Fifi, Babs and Shirley and leads Hamton over to them.)

Fifi: Frankie!

Frank: Hey Fifi, you remember Hamton here?

Hamton: Hi Fifi, its good to see you again.

(Fifi looks at Hamton for about a second then turns her whole attention to Frank)

Fifi: How is your head, Frankie?

Frank: Well uh, good, fine.

(Hamton dejectedly lurks away from the scene to class)

Fifi: Oh, I've been so worried about you ever since you ran off the other night. Are you okay?

(The class bell rings)

Fifi: I'm sorry I have to go. Isn't he a dream boat?

(The girls run off to class)

Frank: She didn't care. I sure got my work cut out for me...what to do.

(Gogo the Dodo walks up to Frank)

Gogo: Excuse me, but do you have a hall pass, big cheese?

Frank: Oh you must be the hall monitor. Well my class doesn't began until next hour.

(Frank shows Gogo his schedule)

Gogo: Oh you don't sayyyyyyyyyy.

Frank: Well it says it right there.

Gogo: Boy, have you got alot to learn.

(Gogo runs off snickering looking for late comers)

Frank: This school is nuts.

(Frank notices a dancer poster up)

Frank: Hmm...this is my chance to get Fifi and Hamton back together again.

(Cut to the cafeteria. Hamton is sitting alone, writing on a pad, when Frank comes and sits next to him.)

Frank: Hamton, buddy. remember that girl I introduced you to, Fifi? (notices the writing)  
What are you writing?

Hamton: Uh, cartoons, my own cartoons about a strange hog/pig world that invades earth.

Frank: Get out of town, I didn't know you did anything creative! Ah, let me read some.

Hamton: Oh, no no no, I never uh, I never let anybody read my cartoons.

Frank: Why not?

Hamton: Well, what if they didn't like them, what if they told me I was no good? I guess that would be pretty hard for somebody to understand.

Frank: Uh no, not hard at all. So anyway, Hamton, now Fifi, she really likes you.  
She told me to tell you that she wants you to ask her to the Mermaid Sea Lily Dance.

Hamton: Really?

Frank: Oh yeah, all you gotta do is go over there and ask her.

Hamton: (mortified) What, right here right now in the cafeteria? What if she said no? I don't know if I could take that kind of rejection. Besides, I think she'd rather go with somebody else.

Frank: Who?

Hamton: *points at Montana*Monty.

(Frank looks over to Fifi. Montana and his gang are by her table pestering her.)

Montana: C'mon, c'mon.

Fifi: Leave moi alone.

Montana: You want it, you know you want it, and you know you want me to give it to you.

Fifi: *irratated she slaps Montana*Shut your filthy mouth, I'm not that kind of girl!

Montana: Well maybe you are and you just don't know it yet.

Fifi: Get your money grabbing hands off of moi.

Montana doesn't. Frank goes towards Montana and pushes him.

(Frank steps up angry)

Frank: You heard her she said get your money grabbing hands off of her.

Montana: So what's it to you, butthead?

(Monty shoves Frank)

Montana: You know you've been looking for a-

(Monty shoves Frank again, Frank grabs Montana as does Monty)

(VP Sam stops them)

Montana: Since you're new here, I'm gonna cut you a break, today. So why don't you make like a tree, and get out of here.

(some funny toons throw a spitball that goes pass Sam and they laugh at it, Sam goes over to displicne them)

(He lets go of Frank. Frank looks towards Hamton, but he's gone. Cut to a street. Hamton is going home. Frank follows him.)

Frank: Hamton!

Hamton: Why do you keep following me around?

Frank: Look, Hamton, I'm telling you Hammy, if you do not ask Fifi to that dance,  
you are gonna regret it for the rest of your life.

Hamton: But I can't go to the dance, I'll miss my favorite television program,  
"Swine Search"!

Frank: Yeah but Hamton, Fifi wants to go with you. Give her a break.

Hamton: Look, I'm just not ready to ask Fifi out to the dance, and not you, nor anybody else on this planet is gonna make me change my mind!

(Hamton goes into his house. Frank gets an idea.)

Frank: Hog/pig world eh?

(Frank spoke to Hamton's Parents and Uncle, in exchange for "convincing" Hamton to ask Fifi out he agreed to do some household chores for the Pigs, like trim Winnie's garden, Mow the yard for Wade and clean his garage, serve tea for Winnie's bridge club and caddy for Wade, even bathing Uncle Stinky! Winnie knitted Frank a costume, and Wade rigged up the lights, Stinky would snort to intimadate his unsuspecting nephew.)

(Later, that night Frank appears in a hog like Puumba costume standing over Hamton with several lights appearing behind him, Uncle Stinky gave Frank a thumbs up and did this unnatural snort.)

(Hamton wakes with a gasp)

Hamton: Who are you?

(Stinky does yet another snort for Frank to imatate.)

Frank: Silence Earthling! My name is Mista Piggy! I'm am an extra-terrestrial from the Planet Su-wee!

(Frank does this bizarre hoof movement. Cut to the next afternoon. Hamton is at the Texaco station. Frank comes over and talks to him.)

Hamton: Frank!

Frank: Hey, Hamton, buddy, you weren't at school, what have you been doing all day?

Hamton: I overslept, look I need your help. I have to ask Fifi out but I don't know how to do it.

Frank: All right, OK, listen, keep your over-alls on, she's over in the caf .

(Frank struggles to get a soda open)

Frank: How do you get this soda open?

(He gives it to Hamton and Hamton gladly opens it for him, Frank takes the soda and sips it)

Frank: What made you change your mind, Hamton?

Hamton: Last night, Mista Piggy came down from Planet Su-wee. And he told me that if I didn't take Fifi, that he'd drown me in slop.

Frank: Yeah, well uh, lets keep this you drowning in slop stuff to ourselves, okay?

Hamton: Sure.

Frank: All right, OK.

(Frank tries to unscrew the lid of his Pepsi bottle. He can't. Hamton takes it, puts it in a bottle opener and opens it. The two then walk to Larry's Cafe.)

Frank: All right, there she is, Hamton. Just go in there and invite her.

Hamton: OK, but I don't know what to say.

Frank: Just say anything, Hamton, say whatever's natural, the first thing that comes to your mind.

Hamton: Nothing's coming to my mind.

Frank: Try, come on.

Hamton: Can you help me?

Frank: Ok,ok,ok, look tell her destiny has brought you together, tell her that she's the most beautiful you have ever seen. Girls like that stuff.

(Frank notices Hamton has a little pad and he's writing in it.)

Frank: What, what are you doing Hamton?

Hamton: I'm writing this down, this is good stuff.

Frank: Let's go.

(As the 2 walk up to the cafe doors Frank helps Hamton spruce up and make him more presentable)

(Frank points out a wrinkle on Hamton's over-alls)

Frank: Will you take care of that?

Hamton: Right.

Music: "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice

(Hamton walks into the Cafe. He hesitates, but Frank enters behind him and gives him a little push to get him going. Teenagers are everywhere, and the above song is playing on the jukebox.  
Hamton goes over to the counter.)

Hamton: Larry, gimme a milk, chocolate.

(Larry gives him one. Hamton takes a large sup and walks over to Fifi, who is in the corner seat with her friends.)

Hamton: Fifi, my density has popped me to you.

Fifi: Qui?

Hamton: Oh, what I meant to say was...

(Fifi smiles)

Fifi: Hey, don't I know vu from somewhere?

(Fifi giggles)

Hamton: Yes, yes, I'm Hamton, Hamton Pig, and I'm your density. I mean, your destiny.

(Fifi smiles - is something about to happen between them? Fifi giggles for a second, but then the music stops - Montana and his gang have just walked in. Montana spots Hamton.)

Montana: Hey, Pig! I thought I told you never to come in here. Well it's gonna cost you. How much money have you got on you?

Hamton: Well, Monty...

(Montana starts walking towards Hamton and Fifi, but Frank, who is sitting on one of the stools,  
next to the counter, trips Montana up. Montana gets up and turns to Frank.)

Montana: All right, punk, now-

Frank: Whoa, whoa, Montana, what's that?

(Frank points with his finger. Montana turns around, and Frank punches Montana. He then pushes past Montana's gang as he runs out of the Cafe as Buster starts up the music again.)

Fifi: Le sigh Frank Wilson, oh my fluttering heart, he's a dream.

(Frank dashes out of the cafe seeing little mouse kid with inline skates)

Frank: Whoa, whoa, kid, kid, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Lil Sneezer: Hey. Whatca want? *smiles*

Frank: Can I borrow your skates?

Lil Sneezer: Sure!

(Frank puts them on noticing that these skates fits any size. Frank zooms off)

Lil Sneezer: Wow, look at him go. He is great!

(Lil Sneezer's feet suddenly get cold and he wiggles his toes)

Lil Sneezer: Oh dear...

(Lil Sneezer sneezes a huge one at objects over at the chase between Frank and the goons)

Lil Sneezer: Ah...ah...ah...CHOOOOOOOO! Bless me *sniffle*

(Montana and his goons watch Frank zooming)

Montana: Let's get him!

(Montana and the goons get in Montana's car following Frank)

(The teens watch Frank on the skates way ahead of Montana and the goons)

Shriley: Gasp! That's like one fast tall mouse!

Plucky: He could be a great sports player.

Fifi: He's an absolute dream. *blows a kiss to Frank watching from the cafe*

(Arnold drives faster after Frank with Montana, Dizzy, and Calamity throwing stuff at Frank with Frank easily dodging the stuff)

Arnold the Pit Bull: Stupid dumb mouse!

(Frank laughs but sees what's ahead several obstacles as he dodges them as best as possible but kinda getting hit at the same time)

Frank: Ah! Whoa!

(Frank falls down and Arnold stops the car a few yards away from Frank ready to hit him)

Montana: Arnold, step on it!

(Frank gets up and skates towards Montana's car and at the last second Frank spin flips over Montana's car with the 4 of them dazed at what Frank just did,  
unnoticed to Montana, Arnold drives himself, Montana, Dizzy, and Calamity into a manure truck)

Montana, Dizzy, Arnold: Crud!

(Calamity holds up a sign that says "Crud!")

(Frank watches and laughs. Several teens come out of the cafe and smell the manure from Montana's car)

(Silver Dixons runs up close)

Silver: Oooooooh! *holding his nose not liking the smell*

(Frank exhausted and sweating takes off his jersey and the in-line skates and gives the skates back to Lil Sneezer. Frank stands there just in shorts with his muscular upper chest)

Frank: Thanks a lot, kid.

Lil Sneezer: Will you sign them for me, please? I want to be just like you when I grow up!

(Lil Sneezer hugs Frank's legs)

Frank: Sure thing kid.

(Frank signs them, Lil Sneezer runs off happy and smiling)  
Lil Sneezer: Thanks!

(scene goes over at Montana's car)

Montana: I'm gonna get that stinking punk.

(scene goes over to the cafe)

Shirely: Like, where does he come from?

Babs: Yeah, where does he live?

Fifi: I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.

(Hamton lurks out again)

(Next scene, The Apartment, Ms. Camden, the modestly attractive thirty-five year old polite mouse told Frank that she would be downstairs doing laundry and she would be getting Subway Sandwhiches for dinner, Frank told her the kind he wanted and she would bring that kind of sandwhich back to him, as she carried the basket of laundry out the door and as she would be allready be at in the elevator, the phone rang, it was Frank's cousin "The Hitrat" decided to call Frank long distance to see how Frank was doing in school, Hitrat(a 6ft 2in gopher) was sitting in his office, in his lavish home in Pittsburgh relaxing back in his recliner)

[Acme Acres]  
Frank: Hello?

[Pittsburgh]  
Hitrat: Frank, its James, how goes school life?

[Acme Acres]  
Frank: Going pretty good Jim(Hitrat's real name) can't complain really. My grades are great and my popularity is very high.

[Pitts]  
Hitrat: How neat. Anything else?

[Acme Acres]  
Frank: Well there is this female skunk that likes me alot.

[Pitts]  
Hitrat: Let me guess-Roger Foxx's kid-Fifi.

[Acme Acres]  
Frank: Bullseye, cous. She is the best but I wanna get her back with Hamton at the next school dance.

[Pitts]  
Hitrat: *now has a shocked look on his face, he straightens up in his chair*Frank,  
have you lost your mind? You got a sweet girl there and you want her to go back to this Hamton guy?

[Acme Acres]  
Frank: Yeah cause I want Hamton to build up his self esteem and have another chance with Fifi. Besides I owe the Pig family.

[Pitts]  
Hitrat: That means you are giving her up Frank.

[Acme Acres]  
Frank: I realize the consequences Jim, but I just feel like it's the right thing to do.

[Pitts]  
Hitrat: Ok Frank, if you know best. By the way Uncle Jack and Aunt Jill are back from there Kyoto vacation, and they said you can be at Acme Loo as long as you desire to do so.

[Acme Acres]  
Frank: That's good.

(Frank sees someone coming up the apartments and this person is very familiar to him, this someone is chatting with Ms. Camden, and then she had for the elevators)

Frank: Jim, I'll have to call you back, OK?

[Pitts] Hitrat: Ok Frank, you take care of yourself allright?

[Acme Acres]  
Frank: I will, see ya.

[Pitts]  
Hitrat: Bye *hangs up*

[Acme Acres]  
Frank: Bye *hangs up* I figured she would be coming here.

(there is a knock at the door)

Frank: Better play it cool. *opens the door*

(there stands Fifi standing in the door way smiling)

(Frank invites her in)

Fifi: Bonjour, Frankie.

Frank: Uh, Fifi. How did you know I was here?

Fifi: I followed you. I even asked Madamoiselle Camden if I could come up and she said it was allright of moi to do so.

Frank: How nice...

Fifi: Was that bad of moi?

Frank: Oh no. It's allright.

Fifi: Frank, this may seem a little foreword, but I was wondering if you would ask me to the Mermaid Sea Lilly Dance on Saturday.

Frank: Uh, you mean nobody's asked you?

Fifi: Non, not yet.  
Frank: What about Hamton?

Fifi: Hamton? Oh, he's kinda nice and all, but, well, I think a man should be strong,  
so he could stand up for himself, and protect the woman he loves. Don't you?

Frank: Yeah.

(Scene changes to Hamton's house, Hamton is watching Frank put the clothes out to dry)

Hamton: I still don't understand, how am I supposed to go to the dance with her, if she's already going to the dance with you.

Frank: Cause, Hamton, she wants to go to the dance with you, she just doesn't know it yet. That's why we got to show her that you, Hamton J. Pig, are a fighter. You're somebody who's gonna stand up for yourself, someone who's gonna protect her.

Hamton: Yeah, but I never picked a fight in my entire life.

Frank: Your not gonna be picking a fight, Hammy. You're coming to a rescue,  
right? Okay, let's go over the plan again. 8:55, where are you gonna be?

Hamton: I'm gonna be at the dance.

Frank: Right, and where am I gonna be?

Hamton: You're gonna be in the car with her.

Frank: Right, okay, so right around 9:00 she's gonna get very angry with me.

Hamton: Why is she gonna get angry with you?

Frank: Well, because Hamton, nice girls get angry when guys take advantage of them.

Hamton: Wait, you mean you're gonna touch her on her-

Frank;No, no, Hamton, look, it's just an act, right? Okay, so 9:00 you're strolling through the parking lot, you see us struggling in the car, you walk up, you open the door and you say, your line, Hamton.

Hamton: *remembering his lines* Oh, uh, hey you, get your hands off her. Do you really think I should be mean?

Frank: Yes, definitely, Hamton, be mean. Okay, so now, you come up, you punch me in the stomach, I'm out for the count, right? And you and Fifi live happily ever after.

Hamton: Oh, you make it sound so easy. I just, I wish I wasn't so scared.

Frank: Hamton, there's nothing to be scared of. All it takes is a little self confidence. You know, if you put your mind to it, you could accomplish anything.

(We cut to Acme Looneversity. This the dance where several teens Buster and Babs, Plucky and Shirley are dancing with each other, among others, inside the dance hall with the Birdsalis Band are playing the hit jazzy tune "Night Train" up on stage, we then turn to Hamton observing the time on the clock, watching it and seeing what food they have. Outside the parking lot, Frank and Fifi have arrived at the dance We see students and couples walking to the dance. Frank pulls up in Ms. Camden's Packard with Fifi. He stops the car. As Fifi loks in her compact mirror, distracted, she does not see Ms. Camden winking at Frank, he nods and she leaves the car as one of the chaperones of the dance, she walks towards the building holding the dance.)

Frank: Do you mind if we park for a while?

Fifi: That's a great idea. I'd love to park. Frankie, mon cherie, you seem so nervous,  
is something wrong?

Frank: No, no.

(Fifi gets out snack foods, Frank notices and tries to discourage her from eating it)

Frank: Fifi, what are you doing?

(Fifi giggles a bit.)

Fifi: The other girls and I got these great snack foods.

Frank: You shouldn't eat so much of that.

Fifi: Why not?

Frank: Because, you might regret it later in life.

Fifi: Oh Frankie, I'm terribly sorry. I have a craving for these foods sometimes.

(Fifi nonchalety hands the snacks to Frank while he takes just a lil, then she goes for a can of soda)

Frank: *glances at her again*Soda pop too?

(Fifi takes off her jacket to reveal her dress.)

Fifi: I know, it's my diet that gets to moi sometimes.

Music: "Night Train" by Mike Birdsalis & The Birdsalis Band

(Cut to the gym. MIKE BIRDSALIS and the BIRDSALIS BAND finish their piece.)

Mike: We're gonna take a little break but we'll be back in a while so, don't nobody go nowhere.

(Cut to Hamton. He looks at his watch. It's almost 9 o'clock! He looks at another clock. A few minutes past 9! He hurries off to the car park. Cut back to Frank and Fifi in the car.)

Music: "Tom's Diner" by DNA featuring Suzanne Vega

(the above song is playing faintly on the radio)

Fifi: Frankie, why are you so nervous?

Frank: Fifi, have you ever, uh, been in a situation where you know you had to act a certain way but when you got there, you didn't know if you could go through with it?

Fifi: Oh, you mean how you're supposed to act on a first date?

Frank: Ah well, sort of.

Fifi: I think I know exactly what you mean.

Frank: You do?

Fifi: You know what I do in those situations?

Frank: What?

Fifi: I don't worry.

(Fifi kisses Frank big time on the lips but stops as she is dissapointed)

Fifi: Sacre blu...this is all wrong. I don't know what it is but when I kiss you, it's like kissing Buster Bunny. I guess that doesn't make any sense, does it?

Frank: Believe me, it makes perfect sense. My Dad Jack is a rabbit.

Fifi: Oh.

(she smiles)

Fifi: *hears someone approaching,starts worrying* Some one is coming...

(The car door opens. Frank, thinking it's Hamton, turns around and sees it's Montana with his gang! Montana pulls Frank out of the car.)

Montana: You cost too much damage to my car, cheese breathe. And I'm gonna make you pay for it. Hold him.

(Monty tosses Frank to his goons)

Fifi: Let him go, Montana, you're ruining our date!

(Monty sees Fifi and enters the car)

Montana: Well looky what we have here. No no no, you're staying right here with me.

Frank: Leave her alone, you spoiled teen!

Montana: You guys take him to behind the gym. Go on.

(The goons hold Frank, just staring at Monty taking advantdge of Fifi, Arnold even lifts his sunglasses)

Montana: Well go on, this ain't no peep show!

(Arnold the Pit Bull decks Frank in the gut, winding him and Dizzy head butts Frank on his back carrying him away, Calamity points Dizzy and Arnold to a lone car behind the gym)

Dizzy: Let's put him in there.

Arnold the Pitt Bull: Yeah.

Dizzy: That's for messing up my fur!

(The three dump Frank in the open trunk of the car and lock the door. One of the Birdsalis Band LORENZO, opens the car door and faces the gang)

Lorenzo Birdsalis: What do think you are doing to my car?

Arnold the Pitt Bull: Hey beat it, puny feather duster, this don't concern you.

(The other Birdsalis Band, including Mike, get out of the car.)

Mike: Who are you calling feather duster, muscle brains?

Dizzy: Hey, hey listen guys. Look, I don't wanna mess with no big birds, okay?

Mike Birdsalis: *starts slapping Dizzy upside the head*Go home to Tasmania to your mama, boy!

(Three of the Birdsalis Band chase Montana's gang off. Mike and Lorenzo turn to the car.)

(Frank pounds on the door of the trunk)

Frank: Hey, open up, let me out of here, Yo.

Mike: Lorenzo, where're your keys?

Frank: The keys are in the trunk.

Mike: (disbelief) Say that again?

Frank:I said the keys are in here!

(The other 3 Birdsalis Band are seen coming back to the car. Cut to Ms. Camdem's car. Hamton walks over to it and opens the door.)

Hamton: Hey you, get your hands off, oh my...

Montana: I think you got the wrong car, Pig.

Fifi: Hamton, help moi, please!

Montana: Just turn around, Pig, and walk away.

(Hamton stays where he is.)

Montana: Are you deaf, Pig? Close the door and beat it.

Hamton: No, Monty, you leave her alone.

Montana: All right, Pig, you're asking for it, and now you're gonna get it.

(Montana gets out of the car. Hamton tries to punch him, but Montana grabs his arm and twists it,  
causing Hamton to let out cries of pain.)

Fifi: Montana, stop it. Montana, you're breaking his arm. Montana, stop!

(Cut to the Birdsalis Band at their car.)

Mike: Give me a wing, Lorenzo.

(They manage to get the door open. But Mike hurts himself.)

Mike: Ow, blast, man, I sliced my wing!

Frank: (re: keys) Whose are these?

Lorenzo: Mine.

(Frank gives them to him.)

Frank: Thanks, thanks a lot.

(Cut back to Hamton, Fifi and Montana at the car.)

Fifi: Stop it, stop it Montana! You're gonna break his arm! Stop it!

(Fifi jumps on Montana.)

Fifi: Montana, leave him alone! Let him go! Let him go!

(Montana pushes her off and laughs. Hamton clenches his other hand into a fist as Montana continues to laugh. Then, when Montana is unaware, Hamton hits him in the face. Montana falls down to the ground. Hamton looks at his fist with a "I can't believe it! I did it!" expression and then turns to Fifi.)

Hamton: Are you OK?

(He helps Fifi up and they walk hand in hand to the gym. A crowd, including Frank, who smiles in amazment has developed.)

Babs: Hamton knocked out Montana...

Buster: Hamton did that?

Shirley the Loon: Wow like good job Hamton.

Bugs Bunny: I got bad news kids, looks like the dance might be cancelled.

Frank: Why?

Daffy: It looks like one of the musicians back there is injured.

Frank: Maybe I can help him.

Bugs: Ok kid, if you can help the guy, the dance is on. Everyone back inside.

(Cut to the back with Frank. He's with the Birdsalis Band. Mike's wing is bandaged and they're making sure he's OK.)

Frank: Hey guys, you gotta get back in there and finish the dance!

Lorenzo: Hey man, look at Mike's wing. He can't play with his hands like that, and we can't play without him.

Frank: Yeah well look, Mike, Mike, you gotta play. I told Principal Bunny that if I can help you then the dance is on, but if I can't...

Mike: Hey man, the dance is over. Unless you know someone else who could play the guitar.

(Cut to inside the gym. Mike is on stage playing Mike's guitar. Mike looks at him, is impressed with his guitar playing, and then heads for the microphone.)

Mike: This is for all you lovers out there.

Music: "Earth Angel" by Mike Bardsalis & The Bardsalis Band

Mike: (singing) Earth Angel, Earth Angel, will you be mine? My darling, dear, love you all the time.  
(Cut to Hamton and Fifi dancing.)

Fifi: Hamton, aren't you gonna kiss moi?

Hamton: I, I don't know.

(Here comes that annoying Gogo Dodo. He was the one pesting Frank about the humor.)

Gogo the Dodo: Scram, Pig. I'm cutting in...

Frank: Oh no...

(Gogo pushes Hamton aside and starts to dance wildly with Fifi and laughs. Hamton walks away.)

Fifi: Hamton! Hamton!

Frank: It can't end like this...

(Hamton pushes Gogo aside.)

Hamton: Excuse me.

(Hamton pushes Gogo away from Fifi and they look at each other. Then Fifi and Hamton kiss.  
Mike finishes the song.)

Mike: (singing) The vision of your happiness, whoa, whoa, whoa! Earth Angel, Earth Angel, will you be mine? My darling dear, love you for all time. I'm just a fool, a fool in love, with you.

(The dancers cheer.)

Mike: Yeah! Let's do another one!

Frank:Uh, no thanks.

Mike: C'mon man, let's do something that really cooks.

Frank: Something that really cooks.

(Frank thinks - then comes up with the perfect piece!)

Frank: All right, all right this is from a video game that I was playing. Alright guys, let's do some blues riff in b, watch me for the changes, and uh, try and keep up, okay.

(Frank has the band playing a rock version of "Beginning" from Castlevania III with a hint a jazz)

Music: "Beginning-Jazz Funk Rock Style" from Castlevania III

(Frank starts to play the intro from this song. The dancers and the band seem to like it, so the other musicans get into it.)

(Plucky dances right up to Fifi and Hamton while dancing with Shirley)

Plucky: Hey Hamton heard you laid out Monty, nice going.

Shirley: Like Plucky, keep your mind on your dancing.

Mike heads to the edge of the stage, where there is a telephone. He dials a number.

Mike: Hidenori Maezawa? Ohayo gozaimasu its' Mike. Doing fine, my wing is slice up a bit but ok.  
Yeah, I'll do that, say listen sorry to interupt your omlete breakfast but remember that video game you composed last year? Listen to this!

(Mike holds the phone to the music so Hidenori can hear it [Note: this is a little joke- Hidenori Maezawa originally composed the song for the game]. Hidenori sounds extremely pleased and says very complimentary gratefulness words in Japanese, Mike smiles)

(Frank then plays a solo. He goes a bit overboard, and by the time he's finished playing some rock music, the dance is silent, looking at him. VP Sam is covering his ears. Bugs and Daffy both stare at Frank with their arms folded. Hidenori asks over the phone why the music stopped,  
he liked that solo.)

Mike: Uh, sorry Hidenori-san, I'll have to call you back later, OK? Ja ne.

Frank: I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet. It might be a favorite sooner or later.

(Frank exits, but sees Fifi before he gets to the door)

Frank: Fifi!

Fifi: Frankie, that was very interesting music.

Frank: Uh, yeah.

Fifi: I hope you don't mind but Hamton asked if he could take me home.

(In the background is Hamton. He comes up to them.)

Frank: Great! Good, good, Fifi. I had a feeling about you two.

Fifi: I have a feeling too.

Frank: Listen, I gotta go but I wanted to tell you that it's been educational.

Fifi: Frank, will we ever see you again?

Frank: I guarantee it. There is always next semester.

Hamton: *shakes Frank's paw* Well, Frank, I want to thank you for all your good advice, I'll never forget it.

Frank: *shakes Hamton's hand* Right, Hamton. Well, good luck you guys. Hamton, remember what I told you.

Hamton: I won't forget, Frank.

((Next scene-Frank's apartment later that night))

((Frank stands out on the balcony looking at the stars and realizes he gave up Fifi for a noble cause. He knows though however that this wasn't the end, only the beginning-the beginning of a great future for himself, for a bear is in his future!))

Cast  
Frank Wilson-Peter Kelamis  
Fifi LaFume Foxx-Kath Souice  
Hamton J. Pig-Hadley Kay  
Montana Max-Danny Cooksey  
Larry the cafe owner-Ed Asner  
Silver Dixons-Chris Rock  
Lil Sneezer-Kath Souice  
Dizzy Devil-Maurcie La Marchie  
Arnold the Pit Bull-Rob Paulsen  
Buster Bunny-John Kassir  
Babs Bunny-Tress Macneille  
Plucky Duck-Joe Alaskey  
Shirley the Loon-Gail Matthus  
Yosemite Sam-Maurice La Marchie  
"The Hitrat"James Groundchuck-N. Liberto  
Bugs Bunny-Billy West  
Daffy Duck-Joe Alaskey  
-The Birdsalis Band-  
Mike-Phil LaMarr  
Lorenzo-Tim Meadows  
-The Foxx Family-  
Roger Foxx-Adam Pascal  
Caprica Foxx-Nancy Cartwright  
Timothy Foxx-Nathan Ruegger  
September 14, 1990 circa.


End file.
